Les Farfadets, ou Tous les démons ne sont pas de l’autre monde

Goblins: Or, Not All Demons are From the Other World

Volume 1 

Jesus Christ was sent to earth by God the Father, to wash away the sins of mankind. I believe I am destined to destroy the enemies of the Most High. 

Engraved with eight superb lithographed drawings. 

Published in Paris, at the Author’s, rue Guénégaud #24. Printer: P. Gueffier, #21, and at all literary/news merchants in the four parts of the world, 1821.

According to the law and at my authorization, I declare that all copies of this book which do not bear my signature are counterfeits, and will be prosecuted appropriately.

Alexis-Vincent-Charles Berbiguier de Terre-Neuve du Thym, The Goblin-Foe
Paris, Avignon, Born of Carpentras

Forward.

To all emperors, kings, princes, and sovereigns, from all four corners of the world: 

Fathers of the people, who represent on this earth the God of Peace and Comfort who reigns in heaven, join your efforts with mine, to destroy the influence of demons, sorcerers, and goblins, who terrorize your unhappy citizens. You see before you at your feet the most unfortunate of men. Let my 23 years of torment be like medals of honor before your eyes, and give me some claim to your benevolent attention.

Ah! If only one of your subjects had the courage to reveal them to you, the infernal workings of the goblins on this earth could have been ended years ago. And so, to the purpose of unmasking them, I dedicate my work to you. You will understand my torments, and you will bring them to a swift end. 

With the deepest respect of your majesties, it is my honor to be your humble, obedient servant, 

Berbiguier Nueve-Terra du Thyme

Preface.

Before you begin, I want to give you a few basic notes to help you understand and appreciate this memoir. I won’t take too much of your time.

For years, though the goblin race persecuted me, I’ve kept my silence, but now they are building up to a climax, and I can be silent no more. These goblins tormented people with their nightly visits,  destroyed crops, called up tempests and storms, disrupted the order of the seasons and even the influence of the planets, subjugated women and girls, fomented domestic strife, and even arranged the secret deaths of their enemies. If I had not revealed their dark activities, I, too, would be among the guilty.

And so, I’ve collected my notes together. This book is dedicated to the emperors, kings, sovereigns, and princes of this world. But ultimately, I’m writing this book for you: the entire human race. 

This is my goal: to expose the activities of the goblin race. If they’re brought into light, these vampires will no longer infest our world. Happiness will rule every household, girls will no longer suffer their monstrous predations, the seasons will return to their natural order. Without the temptations of these spirits, every man and woman will become virtuous. The only reason the goblins rule our world is because no one has been brave enough to expose their secret workings…until now. Soon you’ll know my 23-year struggle with these creatures…how they’ve tempted me, and how I’ve resisted that very temptation. That is through God, who keeps me safe from their traps. When my soul returns to God, it will be as pure and white as it was the day of my baptism.

Let me first bring into the light the most cruel of my enemies: The Pinels, the Moreaus, the Priors, the Chaix, the Vandevals…[1] the highest of the kingdom of the goblins, I’ve suffered at their hands for years, always they act “for my own good.” And in their human forms, they could be mistaken for the best of people.  But invisibly, by night, they came to my home to torment me, these great elders, the secret and elite forces of Beelzebub himself. But now, they tremble before my determination! There will be no place for them to hide, under the gaze of the sovereigns of the world.

Of course they tried to stop my book being printed by every possible means. The Chaix? They threatened to take me to court for slander, but I think my evidence will prove my case. During the trial they may try to invade the judges…maybe by hiding in their sleeves, or going up their nose or maybe through an ear, or pricking their legs, or hide under their hats, but the proof I have will disarm them. Of course, as I name them cruel, criminal, villain,  I’m not pointing out the misdemeanors of humans, or their qualities as individuals, but the felonies of transformed spirits. And I plead my case not to the justice of man, but to the justice of God.

I have been told that they will try to make me seem mad. To those who read my memoir, they’ll say,  “you’re reading the memoirs of a madman.”  And, yes, I would surely be insane, if I didn’t have the willpower to resist their attacks. But if I were mad, then why would they run away from my iron spikes, [2] pins and sulfur and vinegar and salt and tobacco and beef hearts?  If I were crazy, I would not be known as an upstanding example of my religion. I would not have written these memoirs, sometimes inverting the order of their dates so that events are recorded back to front, just to add some extra variety. If I were crazy, I would not have collected all the facts and anecdotes together to convince you of my case. Someone who is crazy is harmful, and people only talk about my kindness and patience

No, I am not mad. My memoirs will reveal your crime, and the rulers of the earth will soon teach you, and punish you, and I will thwart you. Read my words, if there is time, correct yourself, and do not wait for human and divine justice to punish you.  Herein, I will lay out your crimes. My style will be simple in my stories, sublime when I speak of my creator, terrible in my threats, humble and good in my prayers, though perhaps not as lofty as my readers might deserve. 

I didn’t want to be confused with all the other Berbiguiers out there, particularly the ones suing my uncle. So I’m changing my name to Berbiguier du Terra-Nueve du Thym. I know this cannot be my public name, I’m obedient to the law, but I’ll apply to the Keeper of the Seals so that I may add to my name “Terra-Nueve du Thym”, and always keep a small piece of land to cultivate this sweet-smelling plant. 

To keep my style worthy of my subject, I believed it necessary to decline, conjugate, and twist in every way the word “goblin.” So let no one criticise me for having said goblinism, goblinize, goblinish, and so forth. This is all justified, for my subject and the title of this work.

But read! Read my prelude, don’t miss a syllable.